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5.0 out of 5 stars, January 28, 2015
eng A real problem rouser
This review is from: Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage (Kindle Edition)
20150126 Haruki Murakami: Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage
This book roused more problems than it solved. But that is not a bad thing. Maybe I would find some answers by digging deeper in Wiki or other media, but prefer writing my review completely (almost) from my own grounds.
As a Finn the foremost problem is: why and how on Earth Murakami has chosen for my country among 200+ countries such an important and perfectly correctly informed role in his novel? No born Finn could have better described things Murakami says about Finland, the picture is like a perfect photo.
As a matter of fact this is at the end the only big problem aroused by this book. The rest is fantastically superb entertaining. Except, however, the problem at the very end of the book: what finally happened to our Tsukuru? Did he get Sara or did he not? He really would have deserved.
I am sure that everybody who has read this book will be glad to subscribe my word 'fantastically' as completely unexaggerated. At the beginning of every chapter you could safely expect something fantastic to happen having, however, no way or hint to guess what it would be.
The first and foremost of course is the main explosion of the so beautiful friendship of these young people. Although formally versatilely solved and explained as the main intrigue of the book, it still remains a not completely solved problem and nags one's brain long after having finished the book.
Luckily I hit some relief in choosing another Murakami. Maybe I should follow the example of an episode in that other book, where Murakami explains his background. The other book is 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running'. There he meets on his daily jogging route a woman, who tells that during the past twenty years she has read all what Murakami has written. By following her example both entertainment and surprising problems would be guaranteed, I expect.
Pagetop
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Sisällysluettelo Contents Содержание (Code: (1,2,3,4,5))
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1 (4) Besides the volunteer work, they went hiking together on holidays, played tennis, swam at the Chita Peninsula, or got together at one of their houses to study for tests. Or else - and this was what they did most often - they just hung out someplace,... 2 (4) Whenever they took a break, the five of them gathered to talk. 3 (5) The only source of tension among them was the uneven number - the fact that their group was comprised of three boys and two girls. 4 (5) their last names all contained a color. The two boys' last names were Akamatsu - which means 'red pine' - and Oumi - 'blue sea'; the girls' family names were Shirane - “white root* - and Kurono -1)lack field.' 5 (6) Aka would always break down and laugh along with them. His father was a professor of economics at Nagoya University. 6 (7) listen up!' Ao would bellow. We're going to win. The only question is how and by how much. Losing is not an option for us. You hear me? Losing is not an option!' 'Not an option!' the team would shout, before rushing out onto the field. 7 (8) Shiro was tall and slim, with a model's body and the graceful features of a traditional Japanese doll. 8 (9) They worked part-time during summer vacation, and persuaded a company that made musical instruments to help them out. In the spring of their senior year, their hard work finally paid off, resulting in the purchase of a grand piano for the school. Th... 9 (9) Kuro wasnt beautiful, but she was eager and charming and always curious. She was large-boned and full-bodied, and already had a well-developed bust by the time she was sixteen. She was independent and tough, with a mind as quick as her tongue. She d... 10 (10) Tsukuru Tazaki was the only one in the group without anything special about him. His grades were slightly above average. He wasnt especially interested in academics, though he did pay close attention during class and always made sure to do the minim... 11 (10) Sometimes, when he looked at his face in the mirror, he detected an incurable boredom. He had no deep interest in the arts, no hobby or special skill. He was, if anything, a bit taciturn; he blushed easily, wasnt especially outgoing, and could never... 12 (11) Everything about stations moved him deeply. 13 (12) And sometimes Tsukuru himself wondered if something wasnt exactly right with him. 14 (14) And before he knew it, he'd segued into talking about his close group of five friends. The four colorful people - and colorless Tsukuru Tazaki. 15 (15) Her eyes were narrow, but when she really looked at something they suddenly opened wide: two dark eyes, never timid, brimming with curiosity. 16 (17) What were your high school days likeT'Tsukuru asked. Sara shook her head. 1 don't want to talk about that. It was pretty boring. I'll tell you about it sometime , but right now, I want to hear about you. What happened to your group of five friends... 17 (18) You mean maintaining the group itself, and keeping it going, became one of your aims."I guess so.' 18 (21) When they asked me what my plans were,' Tsukuru said, 1 told them I hadn't decided yet. But I'd actually made up my mind to go to school in Tokyo. 19 (38) Tsukuru lost fifteen pounds. It was only to be expected, as he barely ate. Since childhood his face had been full, if anything, but now he became wasted and gaunt. Tightening his belt wasn't enough; he had to buy smaller trousers. When he undressed,... 20 (38) This is an old man's body. Or that of someone near death. But even if I do look like someone who is nearly dead, 21 (39) maybe I really did die. When the four of them rejected me , perhaps the young man named Tsukuru Tazaki really did pass away. Only his exterior remained, but just barely. 22 (39) He was called by that name simply because there was, for the time being, no other name to call him. 23 (39) That night he had a strange dream, one in which he was tormented by strong 24 (39) feelings of jealousy. He hadn't had such a vivid, graphic dream in a long time. 25 (40) But he had never once personally experienced those emotions. He'd never seriously wished for talents and gifts he didn't have, or been passionately in love. 26 (40) In this dream, though, he burned with desire for a woman. It wasn't clear who she was. She was just there. And she had a special ability to separate her body and her heart. I will give you one of them, she told Tsukuru. My body or my heart. But you c... 27 (41) Jealousy: at least as far as he understood it from his dream - was the most hopeless prison in the world. 28 (41) wall. This was the very essence of jealousy. Tsukuru grabbed a carton of orange juice from the fridge and drank glass after glass. 29 (42) Tsukuru Tazaki only understood this later, but it was at this point that he stopped wanting to die. 30 (43) Tsukuru gradually began to eat again. He bought fresh ingredients and prepared simple, decent meals. 31 (43) He started swimming again early in the mornings at the university pool. 32 (43) For the first time in a long while, he even had stiff erections again when he woke up in the morning. 33 (44) His old clothes they either threw away or donated. His face 34 (44) There was no grave marker. And what stood here now, breathing, was a brand-new Tsukuru Tazaki, one whose substance had been totally replaced. But he was the only one who knew this. And he didnl plan to tell. 35 (45) Eventually he made a new friend. In June, nearly a year after his four friends in Nagoya abandoned him. This new friend went to the same college and was two years younger. He met the man at the college pool. 36 (45) They began to have a nodding acquaintance, and eventually, they started to talk. 37 (46) fact that tsukuru meant to make or build.' 38 (48) The young man's name was Haida, which meant, literally, 'gray field.' Fumiaki Haida. Another person with a color, Tsukuru mused. Mister Gray. Though gray, of course, was a fairly subdued color. 39 (49) unlike Tsukuru, he was able to distinguish between the music of Mendelssohn and the music of Schumann. 40 (50) Your family must be pretty well off? *You know, I'm not really sure. Maybe - I have no idea. I dont think even my father would know unless he assembled his accountant, lawyer, tax consultant, and investment consultant together in one room. It seem... 41 (51) hiragana. 42 (52) Your father felt that giving you the character for "create" would be a burden to you,' she told Tsukuru. The simpler character was also read as Tsukuru, and he thought it was 43 (53) Tazaki literally meaning'many peninsulas.'The perfect name for a man who indeed profited handsomely in many fields. He'd gone from poverty to a distinguished career, had devoted himself to the real estate business and ridden the era of high growth ... 44 (54) Haida was an only child . He'd never had many friends, and relied on his dog and classical music to keep him company. 45 (61) Haida began staying over at Tsukuru's apartment on the weekends. They would talk until late at night, at which point Haida would make up the fold-out sofa in the living room and go to sleep. In the morning he would make coffee and cook them omelets.... 46 (62) alone, though, sometimes Tsukuru longed for a girlfriend. He wanted to hold a woman close, caress her body, inhale the scent of her 47 (54) Haida was an only child . He'd never had many friends, and relied on his dog and classical music to keep him company. 48 (61) Haida began staying over at Tsukuru's apartment on the weekends. They would talk until late at night, at which point Haida would make up the fold-out sofa in the living room and go to sleep. In the morning he would make coffee and cook them omelets.... 49 (62) alone, though, sometimes Tsukuru longed for a girlfriend. He wanted to hold a woman close, caress her body, inhale the scent of her 50 (99) Haida 51 (99) His entire body was immobile. He wasn't numb, it was just that when he tried to make his body move, he couldn't. The connection between mind and muscles had been severed. 52 (99) Haida was standing in a corner of the dark room, staring down at Tsukuru, who lay faceup on the bed. As if he were a mime pretending to be a statue, Haida didn't move a muscle for a long time. The only thing that moved, possibly, were his long eyelas... 53 (100) The real Haida, his actual flesh and blood, was sound asleep on the sofa in the next room. The Haida standing here must be a kind of projection that had slipped free of the real Haida. That's the way it felt. 54 (101) Midorikawa. 55 (101) he'd laid a small bag on top of the piano. He'd been on the verge of death - or so he'd said. What was in the bag? Haida's story had ended before he revealed the contents. Tsukuru was intensely curious about what had been inside, and wanted someone t... 56 (103) The girls'fingers were gentle, slender, and delicate. Four hands, twenty fingers. Like some smooth, sightless creatures born in the darkness, they wandered over every inch of Tsukurifs body, arousing him completely. He felt his heart stir, intensely... 57 (103) She took a moment, gathering her breath, then began slowly rotating her torso, as if she were drawing a complex diagram in the air, all the while twisting her hips. Her long, straight black hair swung above him, sharply, like a whip. 58 (104) Why does it have to be Shiro? They are supposed to be completely equal. They're supposed to be one being. 59 (104) The girls had suddenly disappeared, and Haida had taken their place. Just as Tsukuru came, Haida had quickly bent over, taken Tsukuru's penis in his mouth, and - careful not to get the sheets dirty -taken all the gushing semen inside his mouth. Tsuk... 60 (105) And then he remembered how Haida had taken it all in his mouth. He shut his eyes and grimaced. Did that really happen? 61 (106) Nothing seemed out of the ordinary . It was a typical Sunday morning. A thin layer of clouds covered the sky, the sunlight soft. When they talked, Haida looked him right in the eye, and Tsukuru could read nothing in his look. Probably nothing had hap... 62 (107) had any number of sexual dreams involving Shiro and Kuro together. This was nothing new. 63 (107) But what really baffled him was Haida's presence. 64 (108) After the first week with no word from Haida, the thought struck Tsukuru that his friend may have decided not to see him anymore. Without a word, giving no reason , he may have just gone away somewhere. Like his four friends had done back in his home... 65 (109) Haida had brought so much to Tsukuru's life, but, he wondered, what had he given to Haida? What memories had Tsukuru left him? 66 (109) There must be something in him, something fundamental, that disenchanted people. 'Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki,' he said aloud. I basically have nothing to offer to others . If you think about it, I don't even have anything to offer myself. 67 (110) 1 went back to Akita for a while/ Haida explained later. They'd finished swimming, had showered, and he was toweling off his hair. 'Some family matter suddenly came up.' 68 (110) Yet his young friend's casual return made Tsukuru feel as if he were somehow able to spit out a hard lump of air that had been stuck in his chest. As if the pressure weighing on his 69 (110) chest were relieved. He hadn't been abandoned after all. 70 (111) Never again did Haida (or his alter ego) visit Tsukuru's bedroom and gaze at him in the dark - assuming, of course, that this had actually happened the first time . Tsukuru had many more sexual dreams involving Shiro and Kuro, but Haida never appeare... 71 (111) Still, Tsukuru felt that Haida's clear eyes had seen right through him that night, to what lay in his unconscious. 72 (111) He had just needed some time apart from Tsukuru in order to accept what he'd seen, to 73 (111) get his feelings in order and compose himself. Which explained why he'd deliberately avoided Tsukuru for those ten days. 74 (111) 8 75 (111) HAIDA LEFT TSUKURU for good at the end of the following February, eight months after they'd first met. This time he never came back. 76 (112) But I need to help get the snow off the roof, so I have to go there for a while.' But two weeks passed, then three, and Haida didn't return to Tokyo. He never once got in touch. 77 (112) But you should still be able to come home for a couple of day at least,' his mother insisted. One of his older sisters called too, underscoring how much his mother missed him. *You really should come home,' she said, 'even for a little while.' 'Okay... 78 (113) He'd try to think of something else, but the two of them always stole inside his imagination. 79 (114) The dorm manager knew nothing about why Haida had left the dorm or where he might have gone. Or perhaps he knew, but was merely claiming he didn't. 80 (114) Tsukuru went to the college registrar's office and learned that Haida had been granted a leave of absence. 81 (114) At that point, he was still seeing Tsukuru often. They were swimming together at the pool, and on weekends Haida was visiting Tsukuru's apartment, where they'd talk until late and Haida would 82 (115) stay over. And yet he had kept his plan to leave school a total secret. 83 (115) from sight. I may never see him again, Tsukuru thought. For some reason Haida was determined to leave without a word of explanation. 84 (116) That May. a month after Tsukuru learned that Haida had left campus, he had his first real sexual relationship with a woman. He was twenty-one then, twenty-one and six months. 85 (116) Tsukuru found a chance to invite her to dinner, then back to his apartment, and there he took the plunge and lured her into bed. She accepted his overtures with barely a moment's hesitation. Though it was Tsukuru's first time with a woman, things wen... 86 (117) Though he probably would never have admitted it, he was hoping to prove to himself that he wasn't gay, that he was capable of having sex with a real woman, not just in his dreams. This was his main objective. 87 (118) Thanks to this relationship, his erotic dreams disappeared. 88 (118) While she was seeing Tsukuru she had another boyfriend, someone back in her hometown in Niigata, whom she'd known since childhood (information she had disclosed from the first day they slept together). She was going to marry him in April. 89 (118) She planned to quit her job at the architectural firm and move to Sanjo City, where her fiance worked. 'So I won't be able to see you anymore,' she told 90 (118) 1 hate the thought of not seeing you again,'Tsukuru said, 'but I suppose I should congratulate you.'Thank you,' she said. Then, as if writing a tiny footnote at the corner of a page, she added, 1 might have a chance to see you again, someday.' 91 (119) But still, her marriage was, if anything, a good development for him, as he'd never felt anything for her beyond a calm fondness 92 (119) and a healthy physical desire. And at that point Tsukuru was about to embark on a new stage in his life. 93 (119) WHEN THE CALL came in on his cell phone from Sara Kimoto, 94 (119) 'Are you free later? Even for a little while? I have a dinner at seven, but I can see you before then. If you could come to Ginza, I'd really appreciate it.' 95 (120) Sorry to drag you out all this way,' Sara said. 'No, it's good for me to get to Ginza every once in a while,' Tsukuru said. 1 only wish we could go somewhere and have dinner together.' Sara pursed her lips and sighed. 1 wish we could, but I have t... 96 (120) 1 looked into your four friends, where they are, and what they're doing now. Like I promised.'Tsukuru was taken aback. 'But that was less than a week ago.'Tm very quick when it comes to work. As long as I know the gist of something, I don't take... 97 (121) So, you know where the four of them are now?* Tsukuru asked. In a sense,' she said. In a sense,' Tsukuru repeated. The phrase had a strange ring to it. What do you mean?* 98 (122) Actually, they openly shared information about themselves online - most of it related to their businesses. 99 (122) 1 couldn’t find out much about her,' Sara said, 'so I called her parents' home. I made up a story about being a former high school classmate. I said I was editing an alumni newsletter and needed her present address. Her mother was very nice and tol... 100 (123) TCuro - Eri Kurono - is living in Finland now. She rarely returns to Japan.' 'Finland?' 'She lives in Helsinki with her Finnish husband and two little daughters. So if you want to see her, youll have to travel there.' 101 (125) Tsukuru remembered his father, and how he never rode in anything but a full-size Mercedes-Benz. 102 (126) *So it won’t be very hard for you to see Ao again. Just visit the Lexus showroom and he'll be there.' 103 (126) If you want to learn more about it, it's easy to find online. The company's name is BEYOND. Sounds a little New Agey, don't you think?'" Creative business seminar."* 104 (127) think so,'Tsukuru said. *But to launch a business like that you need a fair amount of capital. Where could Aka have possibly gotten it? His father's a university professor and kind of a straight arrow. As 105 (129) Shiro - Yuzuki Shirane - unfortunately, she does not have a present address.' 106 (129) *She passed away six years ago,' Sara said. That's why she has no present address. She does have a gravestone, in a suburb of Nagoya. It's very difficult for me to have to tell you this.' 107 (130) Tm very sorry it turned out this way,' Sara said. 'But you had to hear this someday.' *1 know,' Tsukuru said. Of course he knew this. But it would take a while for his mind to catch up to reality. It was nobody's fault. 108 (130) Its more important that you meet them in person. You'll learn more that way.' 109 (131) I should be able to let you 110 (131) know pretty soon how things turn out.' 111 wait to hear from you. In the meanwhile, if there's anything I can do, be sure to let me know.' Tsukuru thanked her again. 111 (133) Tsukuru decided to go see Ao first 112 (133) Tsukuru had decided that - no matter which of his friends he saw - he would casually show up without an appointment. He wanted to get an honest response when they saw him again, without giving them a chance to mentally prepare themselves for his visi... 113 (135) Mr. Tasaki, I’m afraid Mr. Oumi is busy at the moment and cannot get away. I'm very sorry, but could I ask you to wait? He said it shouldn’t take ten minutes.' 114 (135) coffee would be nice,'Tsukuru said. 115 (136) He discovered that Lexus didn't give their different models names, like Corolla or Crown, but instead used numbers to distinguish models. Just like Mercedes-Benz and BMW. And Brahms symphonies. 116 (137) Ao's expression changed slightly when he looked at Tsukuru. A slight doubt glinted in his eyes, as if he'd seen something in Tsukuru's 117 (137) face he remembered, but couldn't quite recall what it was. He smiled, swallowing back what he was about to say, waiting for Tsukuru to speak. 118 (137) 1 can't believe how much you've changed,'Ao said, sounding impressed. Tf I'd passed you on the street I wouldn't have recognized you."You haven't changed at all.' 119 (138) 'You're right, I didn't come to buy a car. If you're free, I'd like to talk, just the two of us. Even for a short time.' 120 (142) "Sixteen years have gone by, but it feels like the wound is still there inside me. Like it's still bleeding. 121 (142) You have no idea why we did that? he said, finally. Tve thought about it for sixteen years, but I have no due.' 122 (143) 'Okay, so tell me. What was the reason? Tsukuru asked. You really don’t have any idea? 123 (144) Tsukuru took a drink of mineral water from the plastic bottle. Why did I have to be banished from the group? 124 (144) that you - didnt have any sexual relationship with Shiro?Tsukuru's lips curled up in surprise. 'A sexual relationship? No way.' 125 (144) Shiro said you raped her,'Ao said, as if reluctant to even say it. 'She said you forced her to have sex.' 126 (144) 1 couldnt believe you’d do something like that,' 127 (144) But Shiro was totally serious about it, obsessed even. You had a public face and a hidden, private face, she said. You had a dark, hidden side, something unhinged and detached from the side of you that everyone knew. When she said that, there was not... 128 (144) *Did Shiro explain how I supposedly raped her?'She did. Very realistically, and in great detail. 129 (145) *Shiro never visited my place in Tokyo once, let alone stay over.' 130 (145) 'Granted, but why didn't you ask me? Shouldn't you have given me a chance to explain? Instead of trying me in absentia like that?* 131 (146) *So you went ahead and cut me off."YouVe got to understand, Tsukuru, that we were in shock ourselves, totally disoriented. We were hurt, too. 132 (146) Aka and I were sort of swept along, and we did what Kuro wanted.' 133 (147) 'But why would Shiro claim such a ridiculous thing?* Tsukuru asked. 'And why did it have to be me she accused?* 134 (147) *Kuro must know more/Ao said. *1 got that impression. Like there were details we weren't told about. You know what I mean? 135 (147) Kuro's living in Finland now,'Tsukuru said. *1 know. She sends me a postcard every once in a while/ 136 (148) You didn't smoke, hardly touched alcohol, were always on time. Did you know that all our mothers were big fans of yours?* 137 (149) We consciously played those roles?"No, I don't think we were that aware of it/Ao replied. 'But we did sense which position each of us played. I was the happy-go-lucky jock. Aka the brilliant intellectual, Shiro the sweet young girl, Kuro the qui... 138 (149) You - how should I put it? - helped the rest of us relax.' 139 (149) like elevator music, you mean? 140 (150) You didnt say much, but you had your feet solidly planted on the ground, and that gave the group a sense of security. Like an anchor. 141 (150) You know, in a sense we were a perfect combination, the five of us. Like five fingers.' 142 (151) "Viva Las Vegas!" isn't one of Elvis's legendary songs, of course. There are songs that are a lot more famous. But there's something about it - something unexpected that gets people to open up. They cant help but smile. I don't know why, but there i... 143 (152) 'But IVe got one and a half kids now, and a busy job. A mortgage and a dog I have to walk every day. I can't see myself getting away to Finland. But if you see Kuro, tell her hello from me.' 144 (153) Tell me - how did Shiro die?* Tsukuru said, changing the subject. Ao came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the street. 145 (153) Tell me - how did Shiro die?* Tsukuru said, changing the subject. Ao came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the street. 146 (154) About two years later she was found, strangled to death, in her apartment. 147 (154) still hasn’t recovered from the shock . And they still haven't arrested anyone.' 148 (154) Shiro had already been dead for three days. She'd been lying on the kitchen floor for three days. 149 (155) 'One last question: What in the world does the word "Lexus" mean? 150 (155) it doesn't mean anything. 151 (156) Surely there was much more that they hadn't had time to talk about. Still, Tsukuru felt as if they had covered everything important that needed to be said. 152 (156) b,0141206 153 (156) THE NEXT MORNING, a Monday, at ten thirty, Tsukuru visited Aka's office. 154 (158) Tm sorry, but I wonder if I could have you wait here for a little while? she said, mustering the barest minimalist smile. She motioned Tsukuru to take a seat and then vanished through the same door. 155 (158) They major in French literature at expensive private women's colleges, and after graduation find jobs as receptionists or secretaries. They work for a few years, visit Paris for shopping once a year with their girlfriends. They finally catch the eye... 156 (160) I can take more time with some things, or shorten others. In the end, obviously, the accounts have to balance, and I can't change the ultimate amount of time we get, of course - only God can do that - but I can make some partial adjustments.' 157 (162) cuff of his chinos. 158 (162) Tsukuru thought of Sara. If it were her, maybe he would feel like marrying. But they both needed to know more about each other first. Both of them needed a little more time. 159 (163) The way I understand it, what you mainly do is educate and train human resources for companies/'Exactly. We educate new employees and reeducate mid-level employees. 160 (164) 'One other thing I learned from working in a company was that the majority of people in the world have no problem following orders. They're actually happy to be told what to do. 161 (165) The experience I had myself, the training I received as a newly hired bank clerk, was extremely valuable. I added methods taken from religious cults and personal development seminars, to spice things up. 162 (165) 'Religious cults and personal development seminars mainly try to get money from people. To do that, they perform a rather crude form of brainwashing. We're different. If we did something that questionable, top corporations wouldn't agree to work with... 163 (166) We want to create a workforce that does what their company wants them to do, yet still believes they're independent thinkers.' 164 (166) "outcasts." They just cant accept any form of constructive criticism, no matter what it is. They reject any kind of group discipline. It's a waste of time to deal with people like that, so we ask them to withdraw. The other group is comprised of peo... 165 (166) In the middle, between those two groups, are those who take orders from above and just do what they're told. That's the vast majority of people. By my rough estimate, 85 percent of the total. I developed this business to target the 85 percent.' 166 (167) I'm not too fond of what he's doing. Tsukuru recalled Ao's words. 167 (167) What I do now is train our instructors, and leave the practical side of things to them. 168 (169) 'Come on, you're not all that interested in what I do, are you?* 169 (169) It just feels strange. I never would have thought, back when you were a teenager, that you would open this kind of business someday.' 170 (169) But what about you? Are you satisfied with your job?' 'Not really. But I'm not particularly dissatisfied with it, either,' Tsukuru said. 171 (170) You came here because there was something you wanted to talk about, right?' Aka said. Td like to ask about the past,' Tsukuru said. 'Sure. Let's talk about the past.' 172 (170) Tsukuru had only recently learned of Shiro's death, while Aka had lived with the knowledge for six years. 173 (170) 'Maybe there's not much point in doing this now, but I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding,' Tsukuru said. 'I 174 (170) I wanted to clear up a misunderstanding,'Tsukuru said. T don't know what Shiro told you, but I never raped her. I never had a relationship like that with her of any kind.' 175 (170) you aren't the type of person to do something like that. I know that very well.' You know that?' Tsukuru repeated the words. 176 (171) You can hide memories, but you can't erase history. Tsukuru recalled Sara's words, and said them aloud. 177 (171) 'Anyway, back then, the four of you cut me off. Totally, and mercilessly,'Tsukuru said. It's true, we did. That's a historical fact. I'm not trying to justify it, but at the time we had no other choice. Shiro's story was so real. She wasn’t acting.... 178 (171) There was no room for us to doubt her at the time. But after we cut you off, and the more that time passed, the more confused we got about the whole thing.' 179 (172) In the beginning, it was small things. A few details that didn't fit. Parts of her story that didn't make sense . But it didn't bother us much. They didn't really matter at first. But these started to become more frequent, and we noticed them more a... 180 (173) *But why was the other person in that story me, of all people? Why did it have to be me? 181 (173) 1 couldn’t tell you,' Aka said. 'Maybe Shiro secretly liked you. So she was disappointed and angry with you for going off to Tokyo by yourself. Or maybe she was jealous of you. 182 (173) It was more realistic to cut off me, as the outsider, than to cut off Shiro. Right?* Aka didn't reply, but let out a long, shallow sigh. 'Of the five of us maybe you were the toughest one, at least emotionally. Unexpectedly so, considering how plac... 183 (174) Nagoya's a place where local connections really pay off. Take the president of the consumer finance company who invested in me. Years ago, he read about our volunteer efforts in high school in the paper, and that's why he trusted me. 184 (175) Tm driving a Porsche Carrera 4. Targa top. Six-gear manual transmission. 185 (175) Did you go to Shiro's funeral?* Tsukuru asked. Yeah, I did. 186 (175) Why didnl you let me know that Shiro had died?* 187 (176) We were positive you 188 (176) would hear about Shiro's murder. And when you didnt show up at the funeral, we figured you found it too hard to come/ 189 (176) I called her and invited her to dinner. 190 (177) had a few beers, and really relaxed. It surprised me that she was able to drink. Still, there was a bit of tension in the air. What I mean is, we had to avoid a particular topic .. .'That particular topic being me?* Aka shot him a hard look and no... 191 (177) I could never forget how appealing she was. The Shiro in front of me now, though - she wasn't.' 192 (178) My point is that she'd lost the glow she used to have, her vitality. 193 (178) The kind of fresh, sparkling glow, what used to visibly set her apart, had disappeared, and it made me sad to look at her. It wasn't a question of age. 194 (178) But at the same time I couldn't help but feel that the life had already been sucked out of her, even before she was physically murdered.' 195 (178) *She left a huge hole in my heart,'Aka said. 'One that's still not filled.' 196 (179) He glanced at his watch. Tve taken so much of your time. I should be going. I'm really happy we could talk like this.' 197 (179) 'Can we talk a little more?* 'Of course. I have plenty of time.' Aka weighed what he was about to say before he spoke. You don't really like me very much anymore, do you? 198 (180) No one likes me now. It's only to be expected. I dont even like myself much. I used to have a few really good friends. You were one of them. But at a certain stage in life I lost them. Like how Shiro at a certain point lost that special spark 199 (180) *My father worked so long as a college professor that he picked up the habits professors have. At home he always sounded like he was preaching at us, looking down on us from on high. I hated that, ever since I was a child. But at a certain point it h... 200 (180) Aka seemed lost in thought. Tsukuru,' he finally said, 1 have a favor to ask.' 201 (181) I'd like you to know what 202 (181) I've been carrying around with me. Not that this will make amends for all the pain you endured. It's just a question of my own feelings and emotions. Will you hear me out? For old times' sake? 203 (181) What I'm trying to say is, I don’t really feel desire for women. Not that I don't have any desire at all, but I feel it more for men.' 204 (181) That's not so unusual,'Tsukuru said to fill in the silence. 205 (182) 1 think you just need to be honest with yourself, as much as you can,'Tsukuru said, choosing his words. 'All you can do is be as honest and free as you can. I'm sorry, but that's about all I can say.' 206 (182) 'You're not angry with me anymore?'Tsukuru gave a short shake of his head. 'No, I'm not angry with you. I'm not angry with anybody.' 207 (183) may not have a chance to see you again,'Aka said as they walked down the hallway. 'So there's one more thing I wanted to tell you. You don't mind, do you?* Tsukuru shook his head. 208 (183) We're going to have to rip off either your fingernails or your toenails with pliers. 209 (183) good news. You have the freedom to choose which it's going to be - your fingernails, or your toenails. 210 (184) him. And I say. Welcome to the real world.' Tsukuru gazed wordlessly at his old friend's delicate face. 'Each of us is given the freedom to choose,' Aka said, winking and smiling. That's the point of the story.'The silver door of the elevator slid ... 211 (184) He always swam the crawl at a set pace, completing 1,500 meters in thirty-two or thirty-three minutes. He let faster swimmers pass him. Trying to compete against other people wasnt in his nature. As always, on this day he found another swimmer whose... 212 (185) At least from the outside, Tsukuru Tazaki's life was going well, with no particular problems to speak of. He'd graduated from a well-known engineering school, found a job in a railway company, working as a white-collar professional. His reputation in... 213 (185) see his life as going smoothly, with no major setbacks. His mother and older sisters certainly saw it that way. Page 188 - 214 (187) stripped away. Sara was now one of the very few things he desired. He wasn’t 100 percent certain of this, but he was powerfully drawn to her. And each time he saw her. this desire only grew. He was ready to sacrifice in order to have her. It was unus... 215 (187) Still, no matter how much his swimming style resembled Haida's, this was not Haida. 216 (188) Haida is also one of the things that's blocking me inside. 217 (192) Wo, 111 do what I did when 1 went to Nagoya, and not let her know I'm coming.' "Finland's a lot further away than Nagoya. The round trip takes a long time. Maybe youll get there and find out she left three days before for a summer holiday in Major... 218 (192) Sara and the man were swallowed up into the evening crowd. Tsukuru kept looking in the direction they had disappeared in, dinging to a faint hope that Sara would return. That she might notice he was there and come back to explain. 219 (192) He shifted in his chair and gulped down some ice water. All that remained now was a quiet sorrow. He felt a sudden, stabbing pain in the left side of his chest. 220 (193) he'd been pierced by a knife. It felt like hot blood was gushing out. Most likely it was blood. Page 196 - 221 (193) But the pain he was feeling now was different. All he felt was sorrow, as if he'd been abandoned at the bottom of a deep, dark pit. That's all it was - sorrow. That, and simple physical pain. He actually found this comforting. 222 (193) But Sara was a thirty-eight-year-old. independent woman, single and free. She had her own life, just as Tsukuru had his. She had the right to be with whomever she liked, wherever she wanted, to do whatever she wanted. 223 (194) What really shocked him, though, was how happy she looked. 224 (197) He didn't even take a camera. What good were photos? What he was seeking was an actual person, and actual words. Page 200 - 225 (201) Though this was Tsukuru's first trip abroad, neither the deep green woods they passed nor the billboards in Finnish gave him the sense he had come - for the first time ever - to a foreign country. Obviously it took much longer to come here than to go... 226 (202) haven’t seen Sara for a while. How is sher Olga asked. “She's fine,' Tsukuru replied. Work keeps her busy, and she's always flying off somewhere.' *When she called me she said you were a close, personal friend/ Tsukuru smiled. A close, personal fr... 227 (202) you could do that for me. I’d really appreciate it. But I do have one request,' 228 (202) Tsukuru said. 1 don’t want you to mention my name on the phone. If possible. I’d like to visit her without her knowing that I’m coming.’ 229 (204) I’m hoping to surprise her.’ 'A surprise / she said, opening her hands on her lap palms up. That sounds like a lot of fun.' 1 hope shell agree.' Was she your girlfriend?' Olga asked. Tsukuru shook his head. 'No, it wasn't that kind of relationsh... 230 (209) Olga hesitated for a moment, then said, 1 know this is none of my business, but is there something very important that made you come all the way here to see her?"Important to me, perhaps. But maybe not to her. I came here to find that out.'It so... 231 (209) And he thought of Shiro. He hadn’t dreamed of her in a long time. He thought of those erotic dreams, where he came violently inside her. When he woke up afterward and rinsed out his semen- stained underwear in the sink, a complex mix of emotions alway... 232 (209) and the unreal secretly mingle. Curiously enough, he missed these feelings. He didn't care what kind of dream it was, or how it made him feel. He wanted only to see Shiro once more in his dreams. Sleep finally took hold of him, but no dreams came. 233 (210) Olga had printed out several maps for Tsukuru. The Haatainens' cottage was in a small town a short way down the lake from HSmeenlinna, the location for which she'd marked with an X. 234 (211) 1 reserved a car for you/ she went on. 'A Volkswagen Golf with only two thousand kilometers on it. I was able to get a bit of a discount.' Thank you. That's great.' *1 pray everything goes well. YouVe come all this way, after all.' Olga smiled sw... 235 (212) It was just before noon when he arrived in Hameenlinna. Tsukuru parked his car in a parking lot and strolled for fifteen minutes around the town, then went 236 (212) into a cafe facing the main square and had coffee and a croissant. 237 (213) What are you doing here?* the freckled one asked, sounding like she was trying out the English sentence structure. She was probably studying English in school and wanted to try it out on a foreigner. 1 came to see a friend,'Tsukuru said. 'How many... 238 (213) The path leading to the cottage could barely be called a road. If a kind old man hadn't passed by, Tsukuru might have wandered forever. He had stopped his car by the side of the road and, Google map in hand, was unsure how to proceed, when a tiny old... 239 (214) There was a small pier and a mustard-colored boat tied up to it, a simple fishing boat. Next to it was a cozy wooden cabin surrounded by a stand of trees, with a square brick chimney jutting out of the cabin roof. A white Renault van was parked next... 240 (215) Before Tsukuru could even shake his hand, the man had gotten out of the car and strode away. Like the Grim Reaper having shown a dead person the road to Hades, he never looked back. 241 (215) Probably alerted by the dog, a man opened the door and looked out before Tsukuru arrived. The man had a full, dark blond beard and looked to be in his mid-forties. He was of medium height, with a long neck and shoulders that jutted straight out, like... 242 (216) It is. I’m Haatainen. Edvard Haatainen/the man replied, in fluent Japanese. Tsukuru reached the porch steps and held out his hand. The man held his out, and they shook hands. 243 (216) 1 make railroad stations,' Tsukuru said. 1 see. Did you know that the first railway line in Finland ran between Helsinki and HSmeenlinna? That's why the people here are so proud of their station. As proud as they are that it's the birthplace of Jea... 244 (217) Tm sure you came here because you needed to see Em? Edvard asked. That's right, I came to see Eri/ Tsukuru said. Ts she here now? Edvard nodded. 'She took the girls for a walk after lunch, probably along the lake. There's a wonderful walking... 245 (218) 'About 30 percent of the pottery on those shelves was made by Eri,' Edvard said. He sounded proud. 'She has a natural talent. Something innate. It shows up in her pottery. We sell our work in some shops in Helsinki, and in some of them, her pottery's... 246 (219) Three of the people from that group attended our wedding ceremony in Nagoya. Aka, Shiro, and Ao. I believe those were their names? Colorful people.' 247 (219) 'Did you come to Finland on a trip, Mr. Tazaki? 1 did,' Tsukuru replied. Telling the truth would take too long. *1 took a trip to Helsinki and thought I'd take a side trip and see Eri, since I haven't seen her in a long time. I'm sorry I couldn't g... 248 (220) As Edvard said, Tsukuru could distinguish between his pieces and Eri's at a glance. The ones with a smooth texture and pastel colors were Edvard's. Here and there 249 (217) Tm sure you came here because you needed to see Eri? Edvard asked. That's right, I came to see Eri/Tsukuru said. Is she here now? Edvard nodded . *She took the girls for a walk after lunch, probably along the lake. There's a wonderful walking... 250 (218) 'About 30 percent of the pottery on those shelves was made by Eri,' Edvard said. He sounded proud. 'She has a natural talent. Something innate. It shows up in her pottery. We sell our work in some shops in Helsinki, and in some of them, her pottery's... 251 (219) Three of the people from that group attended our wedding ceremony in Nagoya. Aka, Shiro, and Ao. I believe those were their names? Colorful people.' 252 (219) Did you come to Finland on a trip, Mr. Tazaki?"I did/Tsukuru replied. Telling the truth would take too long. *1 took a trip to Helsinki and thought I'd take a side trip and see Eri, since I haven't seen her in a long time. I'm sorry I couldn't g... 253 (220) As Edvard said, Tsukuru could distinguish between his pieces and Eri's at a glance. The ones with a smooth texture and pastel colors were Edvard's. Here and there 254 (220) Compared to Edvard's style, Eri's was far simpler, hardly reaching the finely wrought subtlety of her husband's creations. 255 (221) Since I'm her husband, maybe it's not right for me to praise her work so highly,' Edvard said , watching Tsukuru's reaction. What do you call that in Japanese? Favoritism? Is that the right word? Tsukuru smiled but didnt say anything. 256 (222) Tsukuru carefully placed Eri's pottery back on the shelf and stood there, waiting 257 (223) after-lunch walk with her daughters, only to come back and find a man, a Japanese man by the look of him, standing next to her husband. A face she didnt recognize. 258 (224) Kuro turned to her husband as if for an explanation, but Edvard said nothing. He merely shook his head slightly. She turned to look back at Tsukuru, and lightly bit her lip. 259 (224) true weight of sixteen years of time struck him with a sudden intensity. 260 (224) Tsukuru?' she said, finally giving the hypothesis a name. Tsukuru nodded. 261 (224) The first thing she did was pull her daughter closer, as if protecting her from some threat. 262 (225) She let go of her little daughter, then took the sunglasses off her forehead and laid them on the table. She picked up the mug her husband had been using and took a drink of the cold, leftover coffee. She frowned, as if she had no idea what it was sh... 263 (225) Is that really you, Tsukuru?* Kuro asked in a small voice. In the flesh,' Tsukuru replied. Her eyes narrowed, and she gazed right at him. 7ou look like you've seen a ghost,' Tsukuru said. He'd meant it as a joke, though it didnt come out sounding... 264 (226) Tm going to take the kids into town,' Edvard said cheerfully. *We need groceries, and I have to gas up the car.' Kuro looked over at him and nodded. 'Okay. Thanks,' she said. 265 (226) Kuro and Tsukuru stood on the porch and watched as Edvard and the girls climbed into the Renault 266 (226) You drove that Golf here ? Kuro asked. She pointed to the little navy-blue car parked off a ways. 1 did. From Helsinki."Why did you come all the way to Helsinki?'! came to see you.' Kuro's eyes narrowed , and she stared at him, as if trying to... 267 (227) There's one thing I'd like you to do/ Kuro said . 'Don't call me Kuro anymore. I'd prefer you call me Eri. And don't refer to Yuzuki as Shiro. If possible, I don't want you to call us by those names anymore/ 268 (228) In May I went to Nagoya and saw Ao and Aka, one right after the other/Tsukuru 269 (228) So in good old Nagoya, Ao's busy selling Lexuses, one after another, while Aka's training corporate warriors.'That about sums it up.' 270 (228) Yes, I've managed,'Tsukuru said. 1 work for a railroad company in Tokyo and build stations.' 271 (229) *We talked about what happened between us,'Tsukuru said. 'About what happened sixteen years ago, and what's happened in the sixteen years since."Was meeting them also, maybe - something your girlfriend told you to do? Tsukuru nodded. 'She said th... 272 (229) It's not that easy to get free of them. That's true for you - and for me, too.' You're right, it's not easy to get free of them . But that doesn't mean we should leave them hanging, unresolved/ Tsukuru said. 273 (230) You can put a lid on memory, but you can’t hide history. That's what my girlfriend said/ 274 (230) There could be lids that have gotten so tight you can’t pry them off anymore.' I'm not trying to force anything. That's not what I'm trying to do. But at least I'd like to see, with my own eyes, what 275 (231) where my looks and my body had to undergo a metamorphosis. But the trigger for this change was the fact that I had been cut off from our group. That incident changed me forever.' 276 (231) Maybe that's why I haven’t been able to form deep relationships with people. I always keep a distance between me and others.' He spread his hands apart on the table, indicating a space of about twelve inches. 'Maybe it's part of my personality, somet... 277 (232) Eri put her palms to her cheeks and slowly rubbed them, as if washing herself. 'You want to know what happened sixteen years ago. The whole truth.' 278 (232) do,'Tsukuru said. 'But there's one thing I want to want to make clear. I never, ever did anything to harm Shiro. Yuzu, I mean.'! know that,' she said. She stopped rubbing her face, you couldn’t have raped Yuzu. That's obvious.' 279 (232) Wo, I didnt believe her from the beginning. I dont know what Ao and Aka thought, but I didnt believe it. How could I? There's no way you'd ever do something like that.' 280 (232) 'Why did I take Yuzu at her word and kick you out of the group? Why didnt I stand up and defend you? Is that what you're asking?* Tsukuru nodded. 281 (232) 'Because I had to protect her,' Eri said. 'And in order to do that, I had to cut you off. It was impossible to protect you and protect her at the same time. 282 (232) 'Her psychological problems were that severe. Is that what you mean?* *Yes, they were indeed. Truthfully, she was backed into a corner. Someone had to protect her, and the only person who could possibly do that was me.’ 283 (233) What should I have said? Tsukuru, would you mind if for a while we say you raped Yuzu? We have to do that now. Something's wrong with her, and we have to take care of the situation . Just be patient things will settle down later. 284 (233) patient, things will settle down later. I don’t know, 285 (233) maybe in two years? 286 (233) You should know, though, that Yuzu actually had been raped.' Startled, Tsukuru looked at her. 'By who?4 287 (233) 1 don't know. But someone had forced her to have sex against her will. She was pregnant, after all. 288 (233) We went to someone far away. Not to her father's clinic, of course.'Tsukuru sighed. 'And then'?' 'All sorts of things happened, and then at the end of the summer, she miscarried. And that was it. It wasn't a phantom pregnancy. She really was pregnant... 289 (234) *Did anyone else know she was pregnant and that she had a miscarriage?' 1 knew. And so did Yuzu's older sister. She was the type who could keep a secret. She 290 (234) got some money together for Yuzu. But that was it - there was nobody else. 291 (234) 'And Yuzu kept insisting I was the one who'd gotten her pregnant?"She was very insistent about that, yes.' 292 (234) just can't explain it. The only plausible reason I can think of is because I liked you. That might have triggered it.'Tsukuru looked at her in surprise. You liked me?"You didnt know that?"Of course not. I had no idea.' 293 (234) Actually, I was in love with you. I always kept it secret, 294 (235) Please understand, I did feel awful for you.' *Was Yuzu ever attracted to me?' 'No, she wasn't,' Eri said tersely. 'Yuzu was never interested in anyone of the opposite sex.' 295 (236) Yuzu always had a strong aversion to anything sexual. A fear of sex, you might say. I don't know 296 (236) The two of us were very open with each other about almost everything, but we hardly ever talked about sex. 297 (236) Before long, she developed a severe eating disorder. She vomited up almost everything she ate, and gave herself enemas to get rid of the rest. 298 (236) At one point it was so awful that she was down to under ninety pounds, and she looked like a ghost. But she pulled out of it and reached the point, barely, where she could cling to life. I went to see her almost every day, talking with her, encouragi... 299 (236) Why do you think she developed an eating disorder?* Its quite simple. She wanted to stop having periods,' 300 (237) felt like I was being ripped apart. Like I said before, I really liked you.' Eri paused, gazing at her hands on the table as if gathering her feelings, and then she went on. 301 (237) 'But I had to help Yuzu recover. 302 (237) •She had changed,' Eri finally said. It's like everything had drained out of her 303 (238) she managed to drag herself once a week to the church school where she taught piano to kids. 304 (238) *By this time, though, Yuzu didn't have that sense of unconditional friendship toward me that she'd had when we were younger. She said she was grateful to me, for everything I'd done for her. And I think she really was. 305 (239) Tsukuru was silent, listening intently to her words. You were gone, but you were always there/ Eri said. Once more, a short silence. 306 (239) 'Em, I want to know more about you,'Tsukuru said. What brought you to where you are now - that's what I'd first like to know/ 307 (239) 'A friend from college asked me to go to a pottery class and I went along, kind of as a lark. And that's where I discovered what I'd been searching for, after so long. Spinning the potter's wheel, I felt like I could be totally honest with myself. 308 (240) In college it was still just a hobby, but after that, I wanted to become a full-fledged potter. 309 (240) I met Edvard, who was in Japan as an exchange student. 310 (240) know what you mean/Tsukuru said, 'since I make things myself. Very different things from yours, though."As different as stations and plates.' 311 (241) Maybe 111 find I want to write again. The children are used to Finland now and have friends here. And Edvard is a good man. His family's good to us, too, and my work is going well/ 312 (241) made up my mind then and there that if I had a girl, I'd name her Yuzu. And that I'd never go back to Japan.' 'So your daughter's name is Yuzu?' Yuzu Kurono Haatainen,' she said. 'A part of Yuzu lives on, in that name, at least.' 313 (242) Robbery wasn't involved. Her purse, with cash still in it, was found nearby. And there were no signs she'd been assaulted. Nothing was disturbed in her apartment, and there were no signs of a struggle. 314 (242) well liked by her students, but outside of work, she seemed to have no friends. 315 (242) 'An evil spirit possessed her,' Eri said softly, as if revealing a secret. It clung to her, breathing coldly on her neck, slowly driving her in a corner. 316 (243) Eri sighed deeply and stared at her hands on the table. Her hands were visibly shaking, rather severely. 317 (243) Le mal du pays.” I remember it well/ Eri said. 1 listen to it sometimes. Would you like to hear it?* Tsukuru nodded. 318 (244) I always feel like a part of Yuzu lives on in this music. It's so vibrant, so luminous.' 319 (246) Tsukuru?* Eri's voice leaked out from between her fingers. 'Could you do something for me?* 'Of course,' Tsukuru said. 'Could you hold me? 320 (246) They didn't care what others thought. He and Eri had to hold each other now, as much as they wanted. They had to let their skin touch, and drive away the long shadow cast by evil spirits. 321 (242) 'An evil spirit possessed her/ Eri said softly, as if revealing a secret. It clung to her, breathing coldly on her neck, slowly driving her in a corner. 322 (243) Eri sighed deeply and stared at her hands on the table. Her hands were visibly shaking, rather severely. 323 (243) Le mal du pays." I remember it well/ Eri said. 1 listen to it sometimes. Would you like to hear it? Tsukuru nodded. 324 (244) I always feel like a part of Yuzu lives on in this music. It's so vibrant, so luminous/ 325 (246) Tsukuru?' Eri's voice leaked out from between her fingers. 'Could you do something for me?"Of course/Tsukuru said. 'Could you hold me? 326 (246) They didnt care what others thought. He and Eri had to hold each other now, as much as they wanted. They had to let their skin touch, and drive away the long shadow cast by evil spirits. 327 (247) They didnt speak. Words were powerless now. 328 (248) THEY SAT BACK down again, across from each other at the table, and took turns opening up about what was in their hearts. Things they had not put into words for ages, things they'd been holding back deep in their souls. Removing the lids on their hear... 329 (248) Eri spoke first. Tn the end I abandoned Yuzu. I had to get away from her. I wanted to get as far away as I could from whatever it was that possessed her. 330 (248) 'You're just saying how you felt. That's different from making excuses.' Eri bit her lip. 'But the fact remains that I abandoned her. And Yuzu went by herself to Hamamatsu and was murdered. 331 (249) You weren't Yuzu's guardian. You couldn't keep watch over her every second of every day. 332 (249) A part of me wanted to get far away from her, to protect myself. I cant deny that. Apart 333 (249) But that's not the whole story,' Eri said. 'No? Truthfully, I didnt abandon you just because of Yuzu. That's a superficial justification. I did it because I'm a coward. 334 (249) I did it to sever my feelings for you. 335 (250) T should have apologized to you a long time ago,' Eri finally said. 336 (250) You dont need to worry about me anymore,' Tsukuru said. 1 survived the crisis. Swam 337 (250) I get the feeling that, even if we had made different decisions then, even if we had chosen to do things differently, we might have still ended up pretty much where we are now.' 338 (250) 'Even if you’d said that right to my face, I probably wouldn’t have believed it/Tsukuru said. 339 (251) you had told me then how you felt, of course I would have loved for you to be my girlfriend. 340 (251) The two of them would have likely been a close couple, with a fulfilling love life, Tsukuru decided . There would have been so much they could have shared. 341 (252) Even if they were no longer lovers, they would have remained good friends. In reality, though, none of this ever happened. In reality something very different happened. And that fact was more significant now than anything else. 342 (252) think we would have had a wonderful time together. And I'm sorry it never happened. I really am.' 343 (252) how it was always Yuzu whose body he came inside. Not once did he ejaculate inside Eri. He wasn't sure of the significance, but he did know he couldn't tell Eri about it. No matter how honestly you open up to someone, there are still things you canno... 344 (255) We survived. You and I. And those who survive have a duty. Our duty is to do our best to keep on living. Even if our lives are not perfect.' The most I can do is keep building railroad stations.' That's fine . That's what you should keep doing. I'... 345 (256) Tsukuru raised his head and looked at Eri. Is it okay if I talk about my girlfriend?' 'Of course,' Eri said. A charming smile rose to her lips. Td love to hear all about this wise, older girlfriend of yours.' 346 (256) How he had found her strangely attractive from the first time he saw her, and how they made love on their third date. How she had wanted to know everything about the group of friends he'd had in Nagoya. How when he saw her the last time, he'd been im... 347 (256) You know, Tsukuru, you need to hang on to her. No matter what. I really believe that. If you let her go now, you might not ever have anyone else in your life.' 'But I don't have any confidence/ 348 (256) 'Because I have no sense of self. I have no personality, no brilliant color. I have nothing to offer. That's always been my problem 349 (257) That's how valuable you are. You're not empty - not at all/a appreciate you saying that,'Tsukuru said. 350 (257) When you get back to Tokyo,' Eri said, tell her everything. Being open and honest is always the best way to go. 351 (257) But dont tell her you saw her with that other man. Keep that to yourself. There are some things women dont want other people to see. Besides that, tell her everything you're feeling.' 352 (258) Eri asked him to stay for dinner. They catch big, fresh trout around here . We just fry them up with herbs in 353 (258) frying pan, but they taste wonderful. We'd love to have you stay and eat with us/ Thank you, but I'd better be getting back. I want to get to Helsinki while it's still light out.' Eri laughed. *Still light out? This is summer in Finland. It's light... 354 (258) Thank you for coming all this way to see me/ 355 (258) Thank you for coming all this way to see me,' 356 (258) she said. 1 cant tell you how happy I am that we could talk like this. I really feel like a great burden has been lifted, something that's been weighing me down forever. 357 (259) It's nothing,'Tsukuru said. And he remembered the evening when he bought the presents, seeing Sara walking down Omotesando with that other man. If he hadnt thought to buy the presents, he wouldnt have witnessed that scene. It was a strange thing. 358 (260) think you should go see them sometimes. Or get together, all three of you. For your sake. And for theirs.' 359 (260) Winter here is really long,' 360 (261) Tsukuru, there's one thing I want you to remember. You aren’t colorless. Those were just names. I know we often teased you about it, but it was just a stupid joke. Tsukuru Tazaki is a wonderful, colorful person. 361 (261) 111 probably never be back here again, Tsukuru thought. And never see Eri again. We each have our paths to follow, in our places. 362 (261) And as he inhaled, he suddenly noticed a cold, hard object near the center of his body 363 (261) From now on, he had to make that cold core melt, bit by bit. It might take time, but it was what he had to do. But his own body heat wasn't enough to melt that frozen soil. He needed someone else's warmth. 364 (263) TSUKURU SPENT THE remaining two days of his trip wandering the streets of Helsinki. 365 (263) From the station he called Olga on his cell phone to thank her. I found the Haatainens' house all right, he told her, and my friend was definitely surprised to 366 (263) see me. 367 (264) He arrived back in Tokyo on a Saturday morning. He unpacked, took a leisurely bath, and spent the rest of the day busy with random tasks. 368 (264) No matter what he 369 (264) said to Sara, he needed to choose his words carefully. 370 (265) He pedaled his bike to the gym and swam his usual distance in the pool. His body remained oddly numb, and as he swam he felt like he fell asleep a couple of times. Of course no one can swim and sleep at the same time. 371 (265) without any further thoughts of Sara, or of that man, going through his mind. For that, he was thankful. 372 (266) got to see Kuro/Tsukuru said. The two of us had a good long talk. Olga really helped me out.' 373 (267) There's something I'd like to ask you,'Tsukuru said, deciding to take the plunge. 'Maybe it would be better not to, but I think I should go with what I'm feeling/'Certainly, go ahead,' Sara said. It's best to go with your feelings. Ask me anythi... 374 (268) cant find the right words, exactly, but I get the sense that - you're seeing someone else, besides me. It's been bothering me for a while.' Sara didnt respond right away. ??? get that sense?* she finally asked. 'Are you saying that, for whatever r... 375 (268) So, is there someone else?* She was silent. 'Please understand,'Tsukuru 376 (269) 'Maybe, if you say so. I dont really know. But a simple life suits me best, I do know that. The thing is, IVe been hurt in my relationships with others, hurt deeply, and I never want to go through that again.' 377 (269) let's have dinner together. We can discuss things then. Honestly. Does that sound good?"Sounds good/Tsukuru said. They hung up. 378 (272) The parent birds are teaching their babies how to chirp/ Eri said. And she smiled. 'Until I came here I never knew that. That birds have to be taught how to chirp.' 379 (272) Make sure you hang on to Sara, Eri had told him. You really need her. You don't lack anything. Be confident and be bold. That's all you need. 380 (273) This hour? What time is it?* 'Almost 4 a.m.' 'Goodness, I'd forgotten such a time actually existed,' Sara said. Her voice sounded still half awake. 'So, who died?* 'Nobody died,' Tsukuru said. 'Nobody's died yet. But I just have something I need to ... 381 (273) something. She gave a small cough, then made a sound he took to be an exhalation. Is 382 (274) So can you wait three more days?* 'All right. But only three/ Tsukuru said. 1 think that's my limit. That's why I called you at this hour.' Three days is plenty, Tsukuru. 111 keep to the construction completion date, dont worry. HI see you on ... 383 (275) 'Goodnight/ he said. Tsukuru?' Sara said. 'Mmm?' 384 (275) 'Goodnight/ Sara said. 'Relax, and get some rest.'And with that, she hung up. 385 (279) Tsukuru Tazaki loved to watch JR Shinjuku Station. 386 (280) At Helsinki Central Station he had done the same thing. 387 (284) At that point Nagoya was the place he needed to go back to. He shuttled back and forth between two different places for a little over a year. But then, without warning, the cycle was broken. 388 (284) Tokyo, meanwhile, was just the place he happened to end up. 389 (284) And Tokyo was the ideal place for someone seeking a life of anonymity. 390 (288) Learning a technical skill and building real objects is a good thing. It contributes to society. Study hard,' he'd said , 'and build as many stations as you like.' 391 (291) Tsukuru Tazaki, always cool and collected, always doing things at his own pace. 392 (291) And yet he was able to forgive Shiro, or Yuzu. She carried within her a deep wound and had only been trying, desperately, to protect herself. She was a weak person, someone who lacked the hard, tough exterior with which to guard herself. 393 (291) Tsukuru went back inside, picked up the phone, and without thinking much about what he was doing, pushed the speed-dial number for Sara. The phone rang three times before he thought 394 (292) The phone suddenly rang. He stood up from the sofa, gently raised the needle from the record, and stood in front of the phone. It had to be Sara. No one else would call him at this hour of night. She knew he'd called and was 395 (293) Fifteen minutes later the phone rang again, and again he did not answer it. This time he stayed seated, listening to the music, gazing at the black phone. He didn't count how many times it rang. Eventually it stopped, and all he could hear was the mu... 396 (293) Tomorrow Sara may choose that other man, not me, Tsukuru thought as he lay down on the sofa and closed his eyes. It's entirely possible, and for her it may well be the right choice. 397 (295) Tsukuru, you need to hang on to her. No matter what. If you let her go now, you might not ever have anyone else in your life. 398 (295) He calmed himself, shut his eyes, and fell asleep. The rear light of consciousness, like the last express train of the night, began to fade into the distance, gradually speeding up, growing smaller until it was, finally, sucked into the depths of th... 399 (295) 400 (295) 401 (295) ----------------------------------------- 402 (295) b,0141102,Murakami-TsukuruTazaki end 403 (295) ### en |
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